Guest Writer: Listen Up Kids!

I have been meaning to start an “Ask Riss” column for my blog but never got around to it. Fortunately, Erica invited me to write as a guest and I couldn’t be more thrilled! Even though I’m killer with advice, nobody has asked me any questions – so I’m just going to rant about things I wish I had known and write a letter to my younger self. If you are in college, or struggling in general, please advise.

Ahem…here I go…

Letter to Myself 

Dear Marissa,

Please don’t worry.

• You will never, ever again in your life, use algebra, calculus, geometry, or statistics.

Guys, if you’re anything like me, you have shed many tears while struggling over your math homework. Much to my disappointment, I needed to complete four semesters worth of statistics and even as a psychology major, I have never once solved for x in real life.  I beat myself up for two solid semesters with self-talk about how I would never be successful because I could not figure out from charts of numbers if this question was legit; “Humans driving in their cars see yellow firetrucks a millisecond before they see red firetrucks in a rearview mirror. Please detail whether or not this is statistically significant. Show your work.” Those last three words were enough to send me into fits of anxiety and shock. Most of my work in high school consisted of doodling a giant walrus mooning a dolphin across the page and googling the answers (yellow is NOT statistically significant). Ironically enough, I had too much common sense to waste my time learning how to use theorems and proofs. Clearly, if you have a brain and have seen a red firetruck ever in your life, you know this question is a crock pulled out of your professor’s butt.  The reason math is such a boring and horrible subject is because it blows. You could give me fifty-five years to do a page of math homework and I wouldn’t do it until the night before. Honestly, sometimes I STILL think about how dope it is that I don’t have any homework. USE A CALCULATOR. If this still doesn’t sooth your mind, Burger King employees will never be required to cut sandwiches in the shape of a trapezoid.  Instead of beating yourself up about math, you should be focusing on the important questions in life like if a vegan is also a mathematician, which do they talk about first?

• Boys are horrible.  

I was so incredibly confused watching all of my friends “hook up” with random people (both men and women), start dating seemingly out of the blue, and even weirder, get married. The 2.5 babies are probably not far behind. I was depressed for so long and couldn’t pin down what was wrong with me. Sure, I carried extra weight around my hips, sang off-key in the shower, and occasionally put on outfits that would make Lady Gaga cringe but there are worse things. For instance, boys. The thing you need to remember is this: when someone posts Facebook pictures of flowers, sweet cards, chocolate or jewelry that their significant other bought for them, pity the hell out of them. I hate to be that person who calls others out on social media, but that’s not even remotely love. Love is not a thing NOR an act; it is something you feel. Don’t get me wrong, I used to cry out of loneliness when my friends had a seemingly beautiful relationship that I couldn’t attain. Until it actually started happening to me. Your significant other is boosting their own self-esteem by getting you nice things, because they are COUNTING on you sharing with the world what a wonderful and considerate person they are. It’s an act, and I was a victim of believing it was the real deal for a long time. Men, women, and relationships do not appear on social media. Which is why when my summer fling Pierre sent me too many Candy Crush requests, I legitimately stopped liking him. Here is how you tell if your significant other is there to stay: pee on them. People in general, whether you are attracted to men or women, are like snowflakes. If you piss on them, they will go away. If they don’t, definitely consider keeping them around. However, heed my warning. People are so manipulative and in order to get someone to like them, they will stop at nothing to shine themselves in a certain light. I have personally witnessed too many “Come to Jesus” moments when someone realizes they are being used. So, guard your hearts. That is so important. You don’t need to be married until your brain is fully developed, which is around 35. Those who get married in their earlier years are among the 50% divorce rate…so yes, I’m adding to you to my personal statistics chart. (See bullet one and shake your head with awe). People change but boys will always be horrible.

• Love yourself.

Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you like? If you’re like me, your eyes will instantly cast downwards at your beer-belly-donut-accepting stomach, cellulite, razor scars, and more. I have a scar on my right breast from skin removal. I have a mole that could block out the sun on my back. I get nervous when I have to tell doctors what I actually eat. But that’s beside the point. My instant “go to” response when someone asks me what I like most about myself is mumbling some bullshit answer about my shoulders. I never think about my shoulders otherwise. Ask me now, my answer would be different – I would say my eyes. Not because they are exceptionally beautiful (because they are actually gray) but because they have seen more than most will ever get to see in a lifetime. You have one body, and it is yours to treasure. This is very hard to explain, and trust me; I don’t always feel this confident. Every line, every scar, and every roll is a story of your life. There is only one version. I did a brief interview a while ago, and contrary to popular belief, nobody gives a shit about your looks because they are all too focused on themselves. I couldn’t tell you what the most delicate and chic fashion trends are because I don’t stare at magazines long enough to find out. Let me explain another way. Nobody sees you eating boogers in your car because they are all too busy texting and driving. If you read this far into this long and rambly post, I would like you to comment about something you truly like about yourself, and why. I will respond with what I like about you.

• Money is unimportant

Money has 5 letters. If you double that, you get 10.  If you divide that by 2, you get 5. If you do some more math, you get 666. Coincidence? I think not!! Every few months I do a cash giveaway. I know that sounds dumb, but it’s really amazing. Here’s how you do it – pull $20 out of your wallet and give it to a stranger in a store. Reactions are priceless. You will never see them again and it can really turn a horrible day into a great one for someone else. I am usually a huge spender on holidays and birthdays but believe me when I say that I’m far from a millionaire. In fact, this past year will be the 5th time I’ve gone flat-line bankrupt. But chances are, your friendship is incomparable to money, and I simply don’t care about losing cash. Being entirely broke gave me some of my best memories, and I learned the most from having nothing. Living paycheck to paycheck is hilarious. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

• Do stupid shit 

Should you survive, yours life could be the greatest story ever told. Your best memories are formed by that spring break tattoo, riding backwards on a horse, throwing coke and Mentos into a school parking lot after hours, skydiving with re-used rubber bands, Walmart runs at 3 am for cheesecake, and being so drunk you vomit onto the hairy face of your suitemate’s boyfriend and laugh. I have never done any of these things, but I can promise you that you will not regret it. I have never expressed this before, but the most illegal thing I have ever done had I gotten caught would be kidnapping with intent to harm. And guess what…it was a fucking blast. Yes the cops showed up but that’s another story/lesson. Looking back on your past and having nothing but dreary memories never cut it for anyone. Blow off studying. Go to the party, smoke weird things, and drink your heart out. Whatever you don’t remember will be more than what you learned in class a year later. Be present in the moment. Send letters. Human contact has gone from face-to-face, to phone call, to email, to text, to :/. Be unique-and don’t apologize.

• Most of all, be kind to everyone you meet.

Love,

Marissa

 

Editor’s Note – Marissa was one of the first friends I made in college and I honestly think she is one of the funniest people I know. As we don’t get to see each other as often now, I regularly have to stalk her over social media. Sometimes she gives me pointers on how to perfect my skills.

Adult Behavior

I have to tell you about something my mother and aunt brought to my attention a couple of weeks ago. First let me know what brought this all back…

Last night I came home after work and there was a clipping from the newspaper taped to my door. My parents are always leaving articles for me to read so at first I did not think much of it. Then I looked closer and it was one of those advice columns and a lady had written in to ask advice about her teenage daughter who would refuse to help around the house. She said that she had asked her daughter to go pick her father up at work and take him to get his car because she was just tired and needed up. Apparently the daughter said she had plans and refused to do it, and her mother blew up at her. The mother later said that she probably overreacted but was still mad about the whole situation. About a month ago maybe a little less, my mother asked me to do the dishes and I had refused. She did blowup at me but unlike this mother I deserved it. My mother had called me spoiled, unappreciative and a host of other things that I did not like. I remember hearing this from my mother and just thinking “she is my mother, what the heck does she know?!!!” I could usually write off what my mother said because of that but she said one thing (and she says it often) that makes me angry and sad at the same time. She also said I was not a grown up. I hated that. We fought. Not 10 minutes after this fight happened I got a text…from my aunt. Now my aunt is the kind of person who is usually on my side in most things but this text that she sent was very unforgiving and echoed many of the sentiments that my mother had said. At first I was so mad at her. Furious. It was strange because I had never been angry with my aunt. My aunt has made me sad, embarrassed, happy and proud before but never angry. Strange feeling. While I was sitting in my room fuming another thought crept into my head. My aunt is the kind of person who would never lie to me about myself. She loves me and she would never sugar-coat the truth just to hide it from me. I thought well maybe there is something to this doing something without being asked thing.

So after this all happened, I made a conscious effort to make sure the dished always got done, the kitchen was clean before I went to bed and that there was nothing that my parents could say that would make me have to go back and redo something. Do it right the first time around. I think I have been doing a pretty good job since this incident but I know I can do better. My room is still a mess, laundry is still hated more than dishes and sometimes my parents still remind me before I have a chance to do it (which makes me so frustrated). I am learning to be better.

I want to be an adult. I want to show my parents and those they talk about me to that I am an adult. It includes helping without being asked, be respectful, making it to work on time, working hard while at work, doing everything in my power to succeed at school and not only asking for help but being able to recognize the times I need it. I am working on it.

Last night, our kitchen was a mess. Oh my goodness! At first, I was going to leave it for the next morning and do it before I left for work thinking I wake up before mom so as long as she doesn’t see it I will be fine (meaning no lecture, she wouldn’t be mad, etc). However, before I talked myself into that (which would never have happened) I just decided to do it. Load and unload the dishwasher. So I did it and believe me it is not that much work. It was done and I was heading off to bed when I looked around the kitchen at the counters and noticed they were so messy. Again I did the “I’ll Do it in the Morning” speech (it would not have gotten done). But I had a change of heart because my father was coming home Thursday night and I would be just a bad ending to what sounded like a great trip for him to come home and the kitchen to look like it was. So I cleaned the counters. Now the really surprise came in the morning at about 7:15 am. I was still in bed and as it turned out MY MOTHER had gotten up early to go the dentist (dodged that bullet). She actually complimented me on how the kitchen looked beautiful and that I did a good job. It felt good to have your work appreciated. And while it felt good to get a compliment I also know that the work I do does not go unnoticed and that my parents appreciate when I help out even if they have a strange way of showing it. 🙂