#Adulting

As I walk to work on a cold day in our nation’s capital I am reminded of how I made almost the same walk four years ago when I was a senior in college. I got up at 6:30 am, caught a train for an almost 2 hours ride, and walked to my internship at the DSCC on Capital Hill. As I look back on those memories made during the 3 days a week for 3 months that I made that trek I remember thinking “this must be what it is like being an adult”. And then that May I moved out of my dorm, never to return to campus and finally received my degree the following August and my life outside of academia started.

However, here I am. Four years, 3 different jobs, 2 internships, and 1 address change later and suddenly I am actually what someone would call an adult. An honest to god adult.

Yet, I have been thinking about what exactly makes someone an adult or more specifically what makes me an adult. Was it when I moved out of a house with 5 people and into an apartment with 3 people? Was it when I received my first full time job and was working the 40 hours a week that I had seen my parents do for years and years? Was it that August when I was technically no longer a “college student”? Was it when I could make the decision to not drive after drinking after turning 21? Or was it when I turned 18 nearly 8 years ago and could buy cigarettes and be tried as an adult in a court of law?

I am definitely more mature than that 18 year old. I am definitely smarter than that 21 year old. I am definitely not as bound by the structure of college as that 22 year old. I definitely have more work savvy than that 23 year old. I am definitely most like that 24 year old who moved into her first apartment but even she seems foreign to  me now.

So many things tell us when exactly we are adults, as if there is a switch that is flipped and poof you’re an adult. The world is telling me that I am a single, working professional no longer living with my family and therefore an adult. But the more the world tells me that,  the more I am not sure it’s the truth.

Maybe being an adult was a state of mind. However, if that is that case than why is a teenager who thinks they know everything not an adult. I believed so passionately when I was 14/15 that I was mature. A bonafide adult. My parents were just two old people who overreacted too much. I believed it, so I was an adult.

Maybe its when you turn 18. From being able to sign contracts, vote, buy cigarettes, and be tried as an “adult” in criminal cases, the law sees an 18 year old as an adult. They should know right from wrong and the consequences of their actions. In hindsight, I can tell you that there is no way I knew what the heck I was doing when I went to college. Those first three months I struggled, not just with the work but being away from home for the first time. Having to remember to feed myself, share my space with someone else, remember deadlines all on my own because professors were much less hands on as compared to high school. But I was 18, so I was an adult.

Maybe being an adult is a scientific thing. I have heard that your brain, specifically the part of your brain that deals with rationalization and realizing consequences, does not fully develop until you are in your mid-20s. I am definitely in my mid-20s, so I am an adult.

One of my best friends loves the Walt Disney quote “Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is not.” I like the quote too because it instills the idea of childish which can be a relief from the pressures of society described “adult responsibilities”.  Paying important bills related to healthcare, living arrangements, transportation, and food are the milestones society looks at when becoming an “adult” but if those are benchmarks then was I not an adult at 18 because the police officer that would have stopped me if I had shoplifted would definitely have said I was.

I guess what I am trying to say is that in certain aspects of my life I feel like an adult but in others I do not and therefore am confused about if I am or am not an adult. I do know one thing for sure…I will always have time for 90s music dance parties and coloring in my curs words coloring book in my blanket fort.

My Inner Mean Girl

A piece of advice that I heard this weekend has stuck with me. I do not remember the exact wording but it essentially said that in your mind you should talk to yourself as if you were talking to a friend. At first I thought, I am never mean to myself. Not ten minutes later I was getting dressed and when I caught myself in the mirror I remember chiding myself for my weight, calling myself fat. That was when I realized it. I was being mean to myself without even realizing it. As much as I wanted to believe that I never mean to myself I was, and often. I would never call a stranger much less a friend fat so why was it OK that I was telling myself it? I was in a dilemma after that.

I know that I am not a size 6 and I categorize myself as a plus size woman. So when do I cross the line from recognition of my shape to degrading it? I also find myself always comparing myself to other women without even thinking twice about it. I’ll see a handsome man on the train and think “he’s cute.” Then, as if fate has a nasty sense of humor, a beautiful blonde woman with perfect white skin will get on the train. I immediately think, “Oh well I’m not a blond, blue-eyed, Caucasian women . I could not possible compete with her.” In my mind the race is over and has already been won by the skinny perfect women next to me so I why even try. My inner mean girl is bullying me into giving up. Without knowing anything about either of them personally, my inner mean girl convinces me that they would make a more aesthetically appealing couple so I should not even try. I mean who could want an overweight black girl with a face full of scars from puberty and hair that is not straight and shiny and blond and on and on and…you get my point.

After hearing this quote all I could think about these instance was, that is so mean. I would NEVER say something like that to a friend. I would never compare her to someone I did not know. As far as I am concerned any man would be lucky to date and fall in love with one of my friends. Why should I not want the same for myself?

While my inner mean girl is not as effectual as she use to be she still is, well, quite mean. Not letting her dictated my behavior and put me down is going to be a lifelong struggle but I am going to work to advocate for myself against one of the harshest critic of all. I am one of my best friends and I am going to actively start treating myself as such.

Guest Writer: Listen Up Kids!

I have been meaning to start an “Ask Riss” column for my blog but never got around to it. Fortunately, Erica invited me to write as a guest and I couldn’t be more thrilled! Even though I’m killer with advice, nobody has asked me any questions – so I’m just going to rant about things I wish I had known and write a letter to my younger self. If you are in college, or struggling in general, please advise.

Ahem…here I go…

Letter to Myself 

Dear Marissa,

Please don’t worry.

• You will never, ever again in your life, use algebra, calculus, geometry, or statistics.

Guys, if you’re anything like me, you have shed many tears while struggling over your math homework. Much to my disappointment, I needed to complete four semesters worth of statistics and even as a psychology major, I have never once solved for x in real life.  I beat myself up for two solid semesters with self-talk about how I would never be successful because I could not figure out from charts of numbers if this question was legit; “Humans driving in their cars see yellow firetrucks a millisecond before they see red firetrucks in a rearview mirror. Please detail whether or not this is statistically significant. Show your work.” Those last three words were enough to send me into fits of anxiety and shock. Most of my work in high school consisted of doodling a giant walrus mooning a dolphin across the page and googling the answers (yellow is NOT statistically significant). Ironically enough, I had too much common sense to waste my time learning how to use theorems and proofs. Clearly, if you have a brain and have seen a red firetruck ever in your life, you know this question is a crock pulled out of your professor’s butt.  The reason math is such a boring and horrible subject is because it blows. You could give me fifty-five years to do a page of math homework and I wouldn’t do it until the night before. Honestly, sometimes I STILL think about how dope it is that I don’t have any homework. USE A CALCULATOR. If this still doesn’t sooth your mind, Burger King employees will never be required to cut sandwiches in the shape of a trapezoid.  Instead of beating yourself up about math, you should be focusing on the important questions in life like if a vegan is also a mathematician, which do they talk about first?

• Boys are horrible.  

I was so incredibly confused watching all of my friends “hook up” with random people (both men and women), start dating seemingly out of the blue, and even weirder, get married. The 2.5 babies are probably not far behind. I was depressed for so long and couldn’t pin down what was wrong with me. Sure, I carried extra weight around my hips, sang off-key in the shower, and occasionally put on outfits that would make Lady Gaga cringe but there are worse things. For instance, boys. The thing you need to remember is this: when someone posts Facebook pictures of flowers, sweet cards, chocolate or jewelry that their significant other bought for them, pity the hell out of them. I hate to be that person who calls others out on social media, but that’s not even remotely love. Love is not a thing NOR an act; it is something you feel. Don’t get me wrong, I used to cry out of loneliness when my friends had a seemingly beautiful relationship that I couldn’t attain. Until it actually started happening to me. Your significant other is boosting their own self-esteem by getting you nice things, because they are COUNTING on you sharing with the world what a wonderful and considerate person they are. It’s an act, and I was a victim of believing it was the real deal for a long time. Men, women, and relationships do not appear on social media. Which is why when my summer fling Pierre sent me too many Candy Crush requests, I legitimately stopped liking him. Here is how you tell if your significant other is there to stay: pee on them. People in general, whether you are attracted to men or women, are like snowflakes. If you piss on them, they will go away. If they don’t, definitely consider keeping them around. However, heed my warning. People are so manipulative and in order to get someone to like them, they will stop at nothing to shine themselves in a certain light. I have personally witnessed too many “Come to Jesus” moments when someone realizes they are being used. So, guard your hearts. That is so important. You don’t need to be married until your brain is fully developed, which is around 35. Those who get married in their earlier years are among the 50% divorce rate…so yes, I’m adding to you to my personal statistics chart. (See bullet one and shake your head with awe). People change but boys will always be horrible.

• Love yourself.

Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you like? If you’re like me, your eyes will instantly cast downwards at your beer-belly-donut-accepting stomach, cellulite, razor scars, and more. I have a scar on my right breast from skin removal. I have a mole that could block out the sun on my back. I get nervous when I have to tell doctors what I actually eat. But that’s beside the point. My instant “go to” response when someone asks me what I like most about myself is mumbling some bullshit answer about my shoulders. I never think about my shoulders otherwise. Ask me now, my answer would be different – I would say my eyes. Not because they are exceptionally beautiful (because they are actually gray) but because they have seen more than most will ever get to see in a lifetime. You have one body, and it is yours to treasure. This is very hard to explain, and trust me; I don’t always feel this confident. Every line, every scar, and every roll is a story of your life. There is only one version. I did a brief interview a while ago, and contrary to popular belief, nobody gives a shit about your looks because they are all too focused on themselves. I couldn’t tell you what the most delicate and chic fashion trends are because I don’t stare at magazines long enough to find out. Let me explain another way. Nobody sees you eating boogers in your car because they are all too busy texting and driving. If you read this far into this long and rambly post, I would like you to comment about something you truly like about yourself, and why. I will respond with what I like about you.

• Money is unimportant

Money has 5 letters. If you double that, you get 10.  If you divide that by 2, you get 5. If you do some more math, you get 666. Coincidence? I think not!! Every few months I do a cash giveaway. I know that sounds dumb, but it’s really amazing. Here’s how you do it – pull $20 out of your wallet and give it to a stranger in a store. Reactions are priceless. You will never see them again and it can really turn a horrible day into a great one for someone else. I am usually a huge spender on holidays and birthdays but believe me when I say that I’m far from a millionaire. In fact, this past year will be the 5th time I’ve gone flat-line bankrupt. But chances are, your friendship is incomparable to money, and I simply don’t care about losing cash. Being entirely broke gave me some of my best memories, and I learned the most from having nothing. Living paycheck to paycheck is hilarious. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

• Do stupid shit 

Should you survive, yours life could be the greatest story ever told. Your best memories are formed by that spring break tattoo, riding backwards on a horse, throwing coke and Mentos into a school parking lot after hours, skydiving with re-used rubber bands, Walmart runs at 3 am for cheesecake, and being so drunk you vomit onto the hairy face of your suitemate’s boyfriend and laugh. I have never done any of these things, but I can promise you that you will not regret it. I have never expressed this before, but the most illegal thing I have ever done had I gotten caught would be kidnapping with intent to harm. And guess what…it was a fucking blast. Yes the cops showed up but that’s another story/lesson. Looking back on your past and having nothing but dreary memories never cut it for anyone. Blow off studying. Go to the party, smoke weird things, and drink your heart out. Whatever you don’t remember will be more than what you learned in class a year later. Be present in the moment. Send letters. Human contact has gone from face-to-face, to phone call, to email, to text, to :/. Be unique-and don’t apologize.

• Most of all, be kind to everyone you meet.

Love,

Marissa

 

Editor’s Note – Marissa was one of the first friends I made in college and I honestly think she is one of the funniest people I know. As we don’t get to see each other as often now, I regularly have to stalk her over social media. Sometimes she gives me pointers on how to perfect my skills.

Fat Girl Dating

I have never had much luck with men romantically. I have always had guy friends that is not the problem. The problem has always been my midsection. It gets in the way. Literally. However, recently I have gotten smaller and well as you can probably expect I am feeling pretty damn good about myself. Confidence has never been higher. Add the fact that I am taking better care of myself all around ,a working professional not just a college student, and you basically have a whole new me. So I guess my question is…how do fat girls date? I understand that I am still not the skinniest person alive and have a long way to go but when I look down do not see stomach the feeling I get makes me wanna kiss someone. 

Life is not like the movies. I know that an adorable, charming man is not just going to walk up to me and strike up a conversation and after a whirlwind romance we are going to live happily ever after. Since that is not going to happen that means I have to do something. So, how do you find the happy middle between wanting to just take a small nap on the commute home and talking to the guy next to you without sounding like a stupid teenager? I have read all the articles about dating and love and they all make dating sound, well, hard. I mean who has the time, inclination, or confidence to just you know put yourself out there or spend an evening making small talk with someone. Now I do have friends who would say, “but Erica, you have said to me before, the worst thing they could say is no.” True but when there is an expletive or a laugh in front of it suddenly dating sounds horrible and unnecessary. 

There is this guy. He is in my office and he is so cute. He is nice and charming and I can talk to him and I wanna ask him out but what if he has a girlfriend? Or is not interested? Or rejects me? Then I have to see him at work and make awkward small talk…OK the more I talk about this the worse an idea it seems. Nix that. See what I mean?! I am completely useless to myself. When I was 75 pounds heavier I always resigned myself to the idea that I would never find anyone. I would never get married, date, or have children. I would forever be the cool aunt to my friend’s children. OK before you start getting all emotional for me I can assure you, I was ok with it. Truly. However, as us women are prone to do, I have changed my mind. Maybe there is someone out there for me. Now, if the cosmos could just send him to me by express mail that would be greatly appreciated. 

If anyone could offer me advice other than a Nike slogan* I would be grateful. I have realized that when I saw guys just a friends it made life so much easier. There was no babbling, no awkwardness, no thinking. When I thought there was no way they would ever be interested I could make the small talk like a boss. Losing weight has broken me and fixing me is taking longer than I thought. 

 

*Just Do It

Big, Black and Beautiful

I assume some of you have heard the above statement when referring to a full-figured African-American women. And believe me…it true. A couple of days ago I was getting ready to go to work and I had on makeup. I happened to pass the mirror that is on the back door of my dorm room and thinking to myself, “Damn, I look good.” I bet a lot of skinnier women do that a lot but it doesn’t have happen a lot for me. For a full-figured women a lot of the times we look into the mirror and only see the things that need to be changed. Ever since then I have made an executive decision: I am going to love myself no matter what.

Loving myself is not as easy as it sounds, so to help myself meet this goal I have set up some rules or steps as you will.

Step One: Dressing for success.

Yes, I always get dressed in the morning but a lot of the time, especially in the early morning, it is just sweat pants, a baggy t-shirt, and flip-flops (sneakers if it is to cold outside, and I mean cold…or raining). I am going to make an effort to wear at least jeans. I have tried this for a couple of weeks and have discovered that I do feel better, more confident and actually less large because I am not swimming in baggy things.

 

Step Two: Makeup to highlight my best features

I started wearing makeup on and off in high school. Of course for a special occasion I would but not in my everyday. I was never up in time or had the knowledge of what to use and how to use it. That’s all about to change. I have begun to educate myself on everything makeup can do and how it can make me look better. Everything from blush to concealer to eye shadow, I have begun to make a new me every morning.

 

Step Three: Take care of myself…inside and out

Watching my weight and exercising has been a struggle for me for my whole life. I have decided that while I will embrace who I am now doesn’t mean that I cannot improve. Eating healthier, watching portion control, and making sure to get some exercise are all parts of taking care of myself. This step also includes taking care of my teeth, skin, hair, and nails. I have tried to not bite my nails ( I do when I am anxious or nervous). I will also take breathers and enjoy everything college has to offer. Stress is never good and I will try to balance the two so one doesn’t overwhelm me and the other doesn’t hurt my chance of success.

 

Step Four: Protect what I have

This step includes protecting my belongings; internally and externally. Internally would be my ego and confidence that can often take hits. Externally would be my friendships/relationships. These are things that are very important to how I grow and progress as a person. I would not be the person I am without my family or friends and I never want them to think that I do no appreciate what they do for me. I would fight for a friend until the end, whether they want me to or not. I know that there are 4 girls who I will forever be connected to and I intend to keep it that way. Repaying in kind everything they have done for me.

 

Step Five: Commitment to change

I have made a commitment to everything in my life from my school work to my relationships. I will always be there for a friend. I will be physically and mentally present at every family gathering. I will remember birthdays and get presents. I will never talk about a friend behind his/her back. I will never lie to a friend, even if it hurts. I will always listen with my ears. I will call my parents more often to let them know what is happening with me and/or just to say I love you. I will be proactive instead of reactive. I commit to being the best me.

 

These are my steps. The ones that will help to guide me body and soul to being the best person I can be. Join me. Comment in what steps you would add or change. I would be very interested in what you have to say.

 

 

I am big, black and beautiful….what are you?

 

HOT!!

I am at work and it is so hot I might just faint. I do only have about 30 minutes left but honestly AC PLEASE!!! I am wearing a dress and that is still not working. The dress is a little heavy but it is just past my knees and short sleeved so it shouldn’t be this hot. Not when I am drinking cold water like its my job! I am sitting her listening to Jessie J and my boss is blasting classic rock. My face is about to melt off. However, on another note I am trying to decide if I want to ask this guy out. I mean he is cute, funny, interesting, a jock, and actually enjoys english class. Which is always appreciated in my mind. But I mean why would he say yes? I would bet money he has never gone out with a plus-size girl. So any advice on how I should do it, when I should do it, and if I should do it would be much appreciated.

 

 

PS. Its suppose to get to a 100 in the next couple of days. Stay inside and stay cool.