Growing Up Oreo

I am sure that I am not alone in saying that I prefer to be called somethings and definitely not others. Most people call me Erica, which is my name, so it seems fitting. As an African-American woman there are also other less flattering names that I could be called. Mind you, most of these words wouldn’t be used in civil conversation, but some people just don’t know that and are best ignored. Then there are words that don’t seem offensive but are.

About a week ago I read an article by The Root in which three individuals discuss racial identity and the new film Black or White. Black or White is about a little girl who is stuck between two families, one black one white. The movie tackles the issue of if it is better for, in this case, a biracial child to grow up with her black paternal grandmother or her white maternal grandfather. As a child of an interracial adoption I identified with what the three adoptees spoke about and that brought me back to a nickname I am sometimes called that has always bothered me. For the longest time when someone called me this, I did not say anything; in fact, it got to the point where I agreed just to change the subject. It was not until I got to college that it started to bother me to the point where being called this would anger me. The word that has given me so much trouble: oreo.

As far as a word to be called it is very far from being bad. In fact, Oreos are some of my favorite cookies. It is the implication of the word that I could not stand: The implication that I am just black on the outside, and because of who my parents are, where I went to school and grew up, what I wore, how I spoke, and what I liked, I could not be considered black through and through. The worst part about being called this was that it was always friends calling me this, as if they knew something I did not. Like someone played a joke on the world and wrapped a white person in darker paper. These factors led to the conclusion that I was “white” on the inside.

Growing up in a predominantly white area made it hard for me to develop a racial identity, and it was not until college that I started to understand and appreciate what it meant to be black. What I do not want to ever be called again is an Oreo. I came across a video by performance poet Ernestine Johnson where she talks about this exact issue. She talks about the perceived notion of what an “average black girl” is and her reaction to people saying she “talks white” as if having good grammar, inflection , and pronunciation is certainly not something the “average black girl” can do. I am not white on the inside. I am black.

I have never been ashamed that my parents are white; in fact, is it has never been an issue for me personally. I have, however, been afraid that people of any ethnicity will judge my parents because we are of different races. My biggest fear is to have a black significant other’s family judge my own for not being a 100% black family, and thus somehow implying that I was raised incorrectly. I absolutely do not believe that I missed out on the things that I think are important when raising a child because my parents and I are not the same color. My parents taught me to be strong, independent, thoughtful, kind, hardworking, and gracious and for that I will always be grateful.

I am black, and I will not tolerate anyone implying anything less.

2014: A Year In Review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 920 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 15 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Guest Writer: Listen Up Kids!

I have been meaning to start an “Ask Riss” column for my blog but never got around to it. Fortunately, Erica invited me to write as a guest and I couldn’t be more thrilled! Even though I’m killer with advice, nobody has asked me any questions – so I’m just going to rant about things I wish I had known and write a letter to my younger self. If you are in college, or struggling in general, please advise.

Ahem…here I go…

Letter to Myself 

Dear Marissa,

Please don’t worry.

• You will never, ever again in your life, use algebra, calculus, geometry, or statistics.

Guys, if you’re anything like me, you have shed many tears while struggling over your math homework. Much to my disappointment, I needed to complete four semesters worth of statistics and even as a psychology major, I have never once solved for x in real life.  I beat myself up for two solid semesters with self-talk about how I would never be successful because I could not figure out from charts of numbers if this question was legit; “Humans driving in their cars see yellow firetrucks a millisecond before they see red firetrucks in a rearview mirror. Please detail whether or not this is statistically significant. Show your work.” Those last three words were enough to send me into fits of anxiety and shock. Most of my work in high school consisted of doodling a giant walrus mooning a dolphin across the page and googling the answers (yellow is NOT statistically significant). Ironically enough, I had too much common sense to waste my time learning how to use theorems and proofs. Clearly, if you have a brain and have seen a red firetruck ever in your life, you know this question is a crock pulled out of your professor’s butt.  The reason math is such a boring and horrible subject is because it blows. You could give me fifty-five years to do a page of math homework and I wouldn’t do it until the night before. Honestly, sometimes I STILL think about how dope it is that I don’t have any homework. USE A CALCULATOR. If this still doesn’t sooth your mind, Burger King employees will never be required to cut sandwiches in the shape of a trapezoid.  Instead of beating yourself up about math, you should be focusing on the important questions in life like if a vegan is also a mathematician, which do they talk about first?

• Boys are horrible.  

I was so incredibly confused watching all of my friends “hook up” with random people (both men and women), start dating seemingly out of the blue, and even weirder, get married. The 2.5 babies are probably not far behind. I was depressed for so long and couldn’t pin down what was wrong with me. Sure, I carried extra weight around my hips, sang off-key in the shower, and occasionally put on outfits that would make Lady Gaga cringe but there are worse things. For instance, boys. The thing you need to remember is this: when someone posts Facebook pictures of flowers, sweet cards, chocolate or jewelry that their significant other bought for them, pity the hell out of them. I hate to be that person who calls others out on social media, but that’s not even remotely love. Love is not a thing NOR an act; it is something you feel. Don’t get me wrong, I used to cry out of loneliness when my friends had a seemingly beautiful relationship that I couldn’t attain. Until it actually started happening to me. Your significant other is boosting their own self-esteem by getting you nice things, because they are COUNTING on you sharing with the world what a wonderful and considerate person they are. It’s an act, and I was a victim of believing it was the real deal for a long time. Men, women, and relationships do not appear on social media. Which is why when my summer fling Pierre sent me too many Candy Crush requests, I legitimately stopped liking him. Here is how you tell if your significant other is there to stay: pee on them. People in general, whether you are attracted to men or women, are like snowflakes. If you piss on them, they will go away. If they don’t, definitely consider keeping them around. However, heed my warning. People are so manipulative and in order to get someone to like them, they will stop at nothing to shine themselves in a certain light. I have personally witnessed too many “Come to Jesus” moments when someone realizes they are being used. So, guard your hearts. That is so important. You don’t need to be married until your brain is fully developed, which is around 35. Those who get married in their earlier years are among the 50% divorce rate…so yes, I’m adding to you to my personal statistics chart. (See bullet one and shake your head with awe). People change but boys will always be horrible.

• Love yourself.

Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you like? If you’re like me, your eyes will instantly cast downwards at your beer-belly-donut-accepting stomach, cellulite, razor scars, and more. I have a scar on my right breast from skin removal. I have a mole that could block out the sun on my back. I get nervous when I have to tell doctors what I actually eat. But that’s beside the point. My instant “go to” response when someone asks me what I like most about myself is mumbling some bullshit answer about my shoulders. I never think about my shoulders otherwise. Ask me now, my answer would be different – I would say my eyes. Not because they are exceptionally beautiful (because they are actually gray) but because they have seen more than most will ever get to see in a lifetime. You have one body, and it is yours to treasure. This is very hard to explain, and trust me; I don’t always feel this confident. Every line, every scar, and every roll is a story of your life. There is only one version. I did a brief interview a while ago, and contrary to popular belief, nobody gives a shit about your looks because they are all too focused on themselves. I couldn’t tell you what the most delicate and chic fashion trends are because I don’t stare at magazines long enough to find out. Let me explain another way. Nobody sees you eating boogers in your car because they are all too busy texting and driving. If you read this far into this long and rambly post, I would like you to comment about something you truly like about yourself, and why. I will respond with what I like about you.

• Money is unimportant

Money has 5 letters. If you double that, you get 10.  If you divide that by 2, you get 5. If you do some more math, you get 666. Coincidence? I think not!! Every few months I do a cash giveaway. I know that sounds dumb, but it’s really amazing. Here’s how you do it – pull $20 out of your wallet and give it to a stranger in a store. Reactions are priceless. You will never see them again and it can really turn a horrible day into a great one for someone else. I am usually a huge spender on holidays and birthdays but believe me when I say that I’m far from a millionaire. In fact, this past year will be the 5th time I’ve gone flat-line bankrupt. But chances are, your friendship is incomparable to money, and I simply don’t care about losing cash. Being entirely broke gave me some of my best memories, and I learned the most from having nothing. Living paycheck to paycheck is hilarious. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

• Do stupid shit 

Should you survive, yours life could be the greatest story ever told. Your best memories are formed by that spring break tattoo, riding backwards on a horse, throwing coke and Mentos into a school parking lot after hours, skydiving with re-used rubber bands, Walmart runs at 3 am for cheesecake, and being so drunk you vomit onto the hairy face of your suitemate’s boyfriend and laugh. I have never done any of these things, but I can promise you that you will not regret it. I have never expressed this before, but the most illegal thing I have ever done had I gotten caught would be kidnapping with intent to harm. And guess what…it was a fucking blast. Yes the cops showed up but that’s another story/lesson. Looking back on your past and having nothing but dreary memories never cut it for anyone. Blow off studying. Go to the party, smoke weird things, and drink your heart out. Whatever you don’t remember will be more than what you learned in class a year later. Be present in the moment. Send letters. Human contact has gone from face-to-face, to phone call, to email, to text, to :/. Be unique-and don’t apologize.

• Most of all, be kind to everyone you meet.

Love,

Marissa

 

Editor’s Note – Marissa was one of the first friends I made in college and I honestly think she is one of the funniest people I know. As we don’t get to see each other as often now, I regularly have to stalk her over social media. Sometimes she gives me pointers on how to perfect my skills.

I Deserve What I Want and Am Willing To Wait For It

A good friend of mine just got engaged and it got me thinking, what are things that we search for in potential mate?

To answer this question I asked some friends and here are some of their responses.

• I don’t actually look for anything! Every person I have dated has been very distinctive and unique, no preference for looks, height, weight, race whatever. The only things that are genuinely important are honesty, the ability to be his own person independent of the relationship, and an active mind.
• I notice kindness, humor, and passion above all other qualities. I don’t always look for them per say, but when someone has them, they don’t go unnoticed by me and those are the people who tend to keep my company.
• Not a fuck up.
• As un-bro as possible. Not just the absence of frat-ishness, but as un-frat as possible. An anti-bro, if you will.
• Money.
• Mammal.
• Honesty, humor, kindness, doing things for others because they can/ want to help not because they have to or just to make a buck.
• I like a guy who is engaging. I have the most fun when we can bounce stories off one another because theirs reminds you of something and vice versa. If I’m doing all the talking I am going to assume you are boring/have had nothing happen to you ever. I also enjoy when a guy is honest. None of the games depicted in every rom-com ever. He knows what he means and he says it. Pretty much a male version of myself.
• Someone who can be your best friend that you wanna smother with kisses and bring home to mom and grandma. Someone who takes pride in his work, appearance, and his woman.
• A sense of humor, compassion, and intelligence. There’s a great quote I’ve seen that was Joanne Woodward talking about Paul Newman “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat”
• Honesty, loyalty, and dedication to family.

I know every one of these people and I enjoyed reading their responses, mostly because, while they don’t see what I see in them, the perfect mate they all described were words and adjectives I would use to describe them. While we don’t want someone who is our exact opposite we look in a mirror almost everyday and we know what we like. We want someone who compliments us, challenges us, and makes us better. Now, you might look at the responses of “money” and “mammal” and think how could that possible remind you of that person but that is the beauty of knowing them. Its perfect and not in a bad way. All these answers were perfect fit for each other this people. So I started making my list.

Intelligent, funny, loves my friends, doesn’t mind hanging with my family, spontaneous, sometimes lazy, and the biggest thing not embarrassed by me. I want a guy who isn’t afraid to say that I am his women and want to show me off. On that flip side, I want a man who I would not be embarrassed by and want to show off. I want a guy who knows how to keep a conversation going, likes to drink, but on a Friday would love to go to happy hour and then stay in and watch Hawaii Five-O instead of going out. I do want someone who is my best friend. I deserve what I want and I am willing to wait for it.

As Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation know, you want someone who you love and like.

Internet Advertising or How Pandora Is Trying To Get My Pregnant

Internet advertising is getting ridiculous. I go to one website about Halloween costumes and suddenly my Facebook feed, Google searches, and pop up ads are all postulated with websites on which I can get costumes. While I can appreciated the sexy Shrek costumes (yes they exist) I do not like the idea that search engines are keeping track of what I am searching and making recommendations. I will admit that sometimes it is helpful. When I am actually searching for clothes, I have liked that I find new websites at which I can buy clothes but when I accidentally head to a website that sells both women’ and children’s clothing and Pandora thinks that I should get pregnant, I draw the line. I listen to Pandora every day at work because it has a wider music selection. I started noticing that Pandora thought I should get pregnant when one day I head the same four ads for the entire day. there may have been one or two others thrown in here or there but it was basically a repeat of these same five ads all of which had to do with children and/or pregnancy in some way.

The ads were on,

1) pregnancy tests;

2) birthing suites at local hospitals;

3) children’s toys,

4) and finally, IVF treatments.

 

At first I couldn’t understand why Pandora was giving me these ads. I had not googled anything close to this! Then I remembered, I had liked a website, on Facebook, that sold women’s clothing but also sold children’s clothing. I was in shock when I remembered this. I mean I had liked it after viewing a few of the women’s clothes. I was barely on the website twenty minutes. However, that one like and visit, were noticed by Facebook and because my Facebook account is connected to my Pandora account it seemed that infer that I was pregnant or soon to be. I have since started noticing that this happens A LOT with the other websites I visit if my Facebook is connected to them. I have always loved shoes. I online window shop for shoes, so a lot of the ads that pop up or are streamed on Pandora have been shoes. I had never really noticed before because well, I love shoes. They were just the normal, annoying ads that come along with going on the internet. I have been told to be careful about what I put on the internet but I never thought it would get down to what I like on Facebook. It’s amazing how a simple act can spiral out of control…or in this case try to get my pregnant.

 

 

 

#ThrowbackThursday: My First Guest Writer

So while I have had several guest writers these past couple of months I actually had my first guest writer back when I was in college. My best friend Pam wrote an entry for me while we were actually living right next door to each other. Seeing as today is Throwback Thursday I have decided to throwback to that day in 2011, almost three years later to the day, when Pam wrote about how amazing I am. Click here to be taken to the blog post and I hope you enjoy.

Skinny Erica…Nah, Just Erica

One of my good friends asked me to write about my weight lose journey. So I did. Head on over to his blog and check out what I came up with. Be sure to check out the other amazing entries he has written.

Guest Writer: The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of…German?

As a flood of emotions hit me all I could think to myself was “What the hell did you get yourself into Ashley?”  Just over a month ago I stepped off a plane halfway across the world from where I call home. I was expecting fear, uncertainty, and the desire to want to hop right back on the plane and head back to the States to set in, but it never did. Excitement took over. And as I quickly retrieved my luggage and found my host family I found my excitement growing. I’m not going to lie, it was weird at first to meet the family I would be staying with for a year, but I put on a smile and greeted them with open arms and got ready for the first moments of the next 12 months of my life. 

Upon meeting the family, I was rushed home and quickly shown around the neighborhood by the children. At first glance, Austria was nothing like I expected. I was expecting scenes from The Sound of Music…breathtaking mountain views and cute little towns…but the more I looked around the more I just saw a cleaner, quieter version of Washington, D.C.  After a couple of days of getting over jetlag, I started to adventure on my own around Vienna.

For starters the public transport system here in Austria would put Americas to shame. I am proud to say that even with my minimal knowledge of German and the public transport system being in all German, I have managed not to get lost yet…knock on wood. As a “carboholic” one of the best things about Vienna is that there are bread shops on every corner. It’s like I’m in heaven, if heaven consisted of bread on bread on bread.  The only difficult part is having to order food in German…but thank God hand signs are universal.

This leads to my next big adjustment, the fact that everyone around me is speaking German. When I first moved here, I could easily be mistaken for a tourist, carrying my map around everywhere with me. The worst part about the first couple of weeks was the fact that my phone didn’t work, leaving me heavily dependent on my map and coordination skills, which lord help us all. Thankfully after two weeks I ditched the map and received an Austrian number and phone service, which allowed me to keep in touch with my friends over WhatsApp (thank the lord for whoever created this app.). This whole 6-hour time difference has made it somewhat of a challenge keeping in-touch with my friends but it’s worth the effort.  I will admit it’s weird that when I’m waking up at 6 am most of my friends are just going to bed and when my day is practically over with their day is just beginning.

It’s great being able to keep in touch with my friends from the States but it’s also great meeting new friends and travel buddies here in Austria. Most of my friends are other au-pairs because of our work schedules. Recently my friend Holly and I went and experienced the true Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany. Oktoberfest was amazing and even though we both do not like beer and some of my friends…cough Erica cough…thought this experience was a waste because we don’t like beer, I disagree! Inside Oktoberfest there were multiple tents and acarnival like atmosphere with roller coasters and games everywhere. We were lucky enough to get into the main tent, where the first keg was tapped for the day at 9am. The whole experience was amazing and one not to miss. This coming week we get to experience Oktoberfest, this time here in Vienna. I do have to say however, if you ever have the chance to travel to Munich for Oktoberfest, GO! You won’t regret it!

Overall it has been challenging adapting to a new environment halfway around the world, but I know that every difficult time will lead to something amazing. Before I moved to Austria, I wasn’t myself and I hadn’t been for about a year or so. I was constantly faking a smile and forcing myself to be social. Stress and school consumed my life and some pretty great friendships were lost through this long ordeal. I knew that I needed a change in my life, something that would make me forget about everything and just enjoy my surroundings. I will admit that moving to Austria was a spur of the moment choice but I believe it was the right thing to do. Although the past year was tough, I regret nothing that occurred. I appreciate all that I went through and havelearned loads from it.  After living in Austria for about a month I no longer have to fake a smile. I truly enjoy my surroundings and the ability to travel anywhere in Europe. I’m extremely lucky to have this opportunity to live in Austria and literally get paid to travel around Europe for a year.   The only major setback is that there’s no Reese’s in Austria…..which is currently killing me.  Well, time to go back to “work” Tschüss!!

 

Ashley is one of my dearest friends and was briefly my roommate in college. Between fights, close quarters, and having steadfast determination I believe we have cultivated a relationship that will stand the test of time which is why I was so sad when she LEFT ME! Also that last word in the post is goodbye in German and yes I had to use Google Translate to find that out.

 

And She Lifted All The Stuff

Have you ever had a friend that did something that blew you away? Something so amazing that you were in awe of them. That happened to me this weekend and it all started with a man named Dustin.

Courtesy of Allison

This past weekend I got to hang and play with two of my favorite people in the world, best friends from college Pamela and Allison. While they are both only an hour away between our jobs, school, and traffic we haven’t seen each other since June. Being that I saw these two beautiful people almost every day when I was in college it has been a bit of adjustment to not seeing them. So after months apart I got to spend the weekend with them and their SOs. We played a little Mario Kart, ate fajitas, bought a few pumpkins, and went into a maze. All in all it was a good first day with the besties. The second day was when it got interesting and for this we need a little background. So first I will introduce you to Dustin…

Dustin was a personal trainer that my friend Pamela started working with the summer before senior year. I only personally met him once and we were, well…not sober. To make a long story sort Pamela and him really bonded. It was around then that he started introducing Pamela to competitive weight lifting. I only lift things when dragging them will either brake or ruin them and even then I spend a lot of time debating how much I like that item but I digress. She first told me she was going to start doing this I was in shock. That summer were the London Olympics and watching the weight lifters is impressive but then again I think anyone who goes  to the Olympics is talented. It was just another sport to me like soccer or badminton. The next year was spent with her training and getting hurt and training again and getting a new coach and training again.

Oh and a side note her new coach is 17 and an experienced weightlifter himself. I know! That was my same reaction! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?! Anyway back to my story…

There was a time she was deciding if she really wanted to go for this and I was all for it. I am constantly texting her “#Tokyo2020”.  Up until last Sunday it was something that I had heard about and seen snippets of but never really experienced. With boyfriend, Allison, and Pamela’s Mom we all headed down to Richmond to see her lift. I had no idea what to expect and spent the entire ride down trying to calm her down over texts. She was nervous and rightly so. A first competition is a scary thing. So we finally got to the freezing gym and sat to watch the competition. This is when it all changed for me from being something she talks about over text to something she does. I was in shock about the strength of these women. Everyone was so impressive. When a friend of mine succeeds at something I am always so proud of them and this was one of those moments. She was succeeding at something she seems to enjoy. I learned how to convert kilos to pounds, how much the weights weight, and how competitions work.

It has been over 48 hours since I first saw her lift and I am still so impressed with what she has accomplished so far. I believe she can become a great weightlifter. So much so that I have bet money on her. Sam, her coach and I have a bet going for some real money. I have not and will not ever doubt that she will win me that money. Congratulations Pamela on a successful first meet!

Riding the Metro

My commute everyday is almost 40 minutes which means that I have almost an hour and a half to sit next to strangers and think about what else I could be doing with my life instead of commuting to work. Did you know that according to Texas A&M’s annual mobility study commuters in DC spend an average of 67 hours a year in traffic commuting to work?! I mean I could learn another language with that amount of time!! Don’t get me wrong that is not what I want to do with that time but I could you see. I could.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. (For my Sex and The City fans you will appreciate my shout out.)

What would do you with that time if you could have it back? If you think about it, please don’t cause it’s kind of morbid, but if you were to think about it you would see that we are dying from the moment we are born. See, I told you morbid…stop thinking about it! While no one wants to die there is a type of calm knowing that there is an end. And an end means that you had to cram as much life as you can into whatever time you have. I have decided to work during a significant portion of my life because that way I can live with a roof and food and running water but some have other goals. While I wouldn’t mid sleeping outside on a beach I wouldn’t want to do it all the time so I gotta work. Hence the commute.

Since this is what I have decided to do with a huge chunk of my life I have decided that I should make it useful. Learn that language. I tried to do that, remembered that I suck at languages, and promptly tried something else. As a political science major in college I was constant reading and it wasn’t for fun. Not to say that I didn’t sometimes enjoy what I was reading but when it’s required that human rebellion in me wants to read my Cosmo instead of the CNN.com front page. My commute had turned into daily me time. I now have 1.5 hours to do whatever I want, within reason of course. So reading for pleasure has become a thing. (Read about how I rediscovered my love of reading here). I like to think I am using my time wisely.

Now don’t get me wrong. Sometimes you just want to sit on the train and take a moment and be silent or write a blog post or admire beautiful people you see. People watching is always a great way to spend your time. People are the most fascinating things. From the big, small, male, female, young, old. When you people watch you notice things like how everyone has their head buried in their smart phone. I say this as I write this blog post on the WordPress App. Wait wait. before you yell hypocrite you should know something, I am the writer and therefore rules and generalizations do not apply. Now that we have that cleared up we can talk about the couple sitting next to each other who might be perfect but alas miss it because they have headphones in or the businessman who is checking his email on his personal smart phone and work Blackberry or the beautiful writer writing her life story on her iPad. OK so maybe I just want an iPad but hopefully you get my point and it’s not that technology is taking over our lives it’s that this time could be used in a more constructive way. Talk to the person sitting next to you. Read a book about the history of the zero. Sit in silence and just regroup.

I don’t know how much time I have left on this beautiful Earth so that is why I am going to talk to the man next to me. Here I go…I am going to do it…it’s gonna happen…OK maybe tomorrow. No, no not hypocrite, artistic exclusion.